If you watch college football, and by that I mean anyone who isn’t visually impaired, a communist sympathizer, or doesn’t salivate at the mere mention of BBQ, fried chicken, and cheerleaders dancing to “It’s All ‘bout Da Bass,” you may have heard football terms tossed around by announcers addicted to exclusive use of the present tense and fuzzy metaphors. The unfortunately sober among you may even have wondered what these muddled, descriptive terms can possibly mean.
I’m here to help:
Red Shirt Freshman: Incarcerated last year. Charges now reduced from breaking and entering to “meandering.” Some players like to be ‘red shirted.’ It gives them a chance to visit family members. On release, the “fine young man" is declared “just a kid who is trying to move on.”
Fine Young Man: Never missed a child-support payment. Once attended class. Loves his mother.
Just A Kid Trying to Move On: You heartless bastards better not mention his extensive criminal record again.
Gives 110%: Failed math. Balancing a checkbook stumps him.
True Freshman: Charges dropped. The university sent a note of apology and a ‘little something,’ so the girl’s family could pay off her student loans, buy a new car, and take her to Paris for a two-week stay at the Ritz.
Student Athlete: Runs faster than a speeding bullet, as noted in the police report.
Physicality: 6’ 5”, 300 pounds and can stop a bullet with one raised hand, while promising to “tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”
Can Beat You With His Feet: Arresting officers, don’t stop with just cuffing him.
Showed Great Leadership: Won the game.
Has To Step Up: Stepping down and sideways hasn’t worked. Lost the game.
Showed Poor Leadership: Cut in line at Bobo’s Chicken Shack. Ripped off the manager's arm and ate it.
Overcame Great Hardships: Charges reduced from willful homicide, to “causing extreme oxygen depravation.”
Suspended For Violation of Team Rules: Prepubescent sex, firing an automatic weapon with intent to “fuck you up bad,” and skipping practice to participate in an armed robbery.
Enjoy the game!