Interview With the Coach

Following Spring Football practice, Coach Gaylord Schwantz of Southern Home Industrial Technology University held a press conference.

Coach:  Spring practice went well. Some of our recently paroled recruits are going to help us out of the box.  Our conference is one of the toughest in the nation.  There are no weak-tweaking-nose-flicking football teams on our schedule.  We’ll have to be willing to give 110%, 110% of the time and not be resting on what happens next.  However, we do have some things to fix.  But fixing is my job.  Now, any questions?

Reporter 1:  I understand your quarterback, Gimpy Scroggins, is questionable.

Coach:  That’s completely untrue.  He will not be available to take questions.

Reporter 1:  No.  I mean he may not be 100% by the start of the season.

Coach:  I’ve answered this a thousand times.  Now that we’ve got him fitted with a prosthesis, we expect a full recovery.  The loss of a leg can be a handicap for a quarterback, but I always say, we’re just thankful he’s not our kicker.

Reporter 2:  What kind of prosthesis?

Coach:  Well, I’m not a doctor, but as I understand it, Gimpy has a new titanium alloy, full motion, two and a half horsepower, turbo-diesel leg that allows him to run the 40 in a little under a second and a half.  Unfortunately, his jock strap can only do it in five seconds.  Balls to the wall is not just an expression.

Reporter 3:  Does that cause problems when his natural leg tries to keep up?

Coach:  We’ve had no complains from his natural leg.  Next question.

Reporter 2:  Is it true that many of last year’s starters are now incarcerated.

Coach:  Allegedly incarcerated.

Reporter 1:  The name Cocksure Johnson ring any bells?

Coach:  …don’t recall

Reporter 1:  Exposed himself to a troop of Girl Scouts at a fraternity keg party.

Coach:  I object to that nickname.  He allegedly exposed his alleged member to a group of alleged Girl Scouts at an alleged party, featuring an alleged keg.  Ivanhoe Johnson is a fine young man.

Reporter 3:  Excuse me, but he’s 27 years old.

Coach:  Any starter with two years of eligibility left is a fine young man.  Also, the newspapers are quick to jump to conclusions.

Reporter 2:  But, several eye witnesses said…

Coach:  Those Girl Scouts are liars.  Several of Mr. Johnson’s teammates have sworn that at the time of the alleged incident he was on the other side of the city park buying cocaine…I mean ice cream.

Reporter 1:  Was that a Freudian slip?

Coach:  I don’t know whose slip it was, but I do know newspapers never mention Ivanhoe is a good provider for his girlfriend and her two children from a previous football team.

Reporter 2:  How ‘bout the allegations that some players are taking meaningless college courses.

Coach:  I deny that.  We are very careful that our student-athletes are meaningful students, who study meaningfully every day.

Reporter 1:  Amish Line Dancing ? Post-Coital Calisthenics?

Coach:  Not everybody can be pre-med, but we have two linebackers who are.

Reporter 3:  You’d be referring to Janic Thumbcushion, and Ivory Poacher.  Dynamics of Regurgitation?  Physiology of Sole Inserts? Oral Treatment of Testicular Stress ?

Coach:  Hip-high Jones’ major is statistics.

Reporter 2:  Handicapping a Horse Race and Handicapped Parking:  A Comparative Study,  Examination of Dice:  Dots and their hidden meaning.

Coach:  What none of you understand is that we support our student-athletes as they struggle to keep their eligibility. These young men deserve the chance to rise above their humble beginnings, date cheerleaders and make millions of dollars when they turn pro.

Reporter 3:  Should college football players be paid?

Coach:  You mean like graduate assistants and others who help the university?  Definitely not.  That’s not what college athletics are about.  College is a learning experience, especially concerning the fine points of the law, and attorney-client privilege.  It’s about the discipline to perform at your best after a long flight, two nights in a first class hotel, and a steak dinner.

Reporter 1:  What’s your prognosis for the coming season?

Coach:  I think we’ll do as well as we can, provided we can live up to our expectations.

Reporter 2:  That’s an evasive answer.

Coach:  We’re a football team.