Tea at Harrods

I keep telling myself I’m not going to Harrods this time.  Been there over and over. Trotted through the misty rain.  Pushed through the fumbling crowds.  Met the security guards’ stares with a sunny smile.  Nope, not this time.  Not going again.

Then somebody mentions the name, damn them, and I find myself in Knightsbridge, pushing through the heavy glass doors,  browsing the spectacularly redolent  Food Hall, gapping at the £19 (about $31.25) half dozen oysters.  Those are the cheapies.  The expensive ones go for $50 for six.  Not trying to wow you, just reporting the truth as this pauper sees it. (followed by tears and a forced smile)

Go ahead.  Stroll though the fine jewelry room, the obscenely expensive watch emporium, and dejectedly trundle into the fine wines and spirits cellar, where Cuban cigars can run you a cool $50 for one.  Didn’t have the heart to reach out and touch the bottle of the 1951 McCallum Scotch Whiskey (£20,000 or about $33,000).  And my wife thinks I have a drinking problem.  Saw a bottle of French cognac for £30,000.  I’ll leave the math to you.  Breaks my heart to think about it.

So, what can a man and two friends do when they are of moderate means and a used candy wrapper from Harrods is a family heirloom?

Fancy a Cuppa?

Madame et Messieur, may I sooogeeest The Tea Room?  Mais, oui!  Here you may live out your fantasy of sipping a tea, while your chauffeur patiently waits by the Bentley, carefully polishing the door handles, and your bespoke tailor calls to say he will gladly hold your appointment.

Yes, Harrods’ Tea Room is the great equalizer.  A black and white decked waiter will treat you with the politeness reserved for dukes, as he attentively watches you browse the extensive menu.  

Teas of every variety

“May I suggest….” He begins. 

“Suggest away, my good man.  I have no more clue than a nun on a blind date.”

Black tea.  Green tea.  White tea.  All from the far flung regions of the former empire. After all, this is Harrods.  Hard to believe this nonpareil department store, with 330 departments began as a simple grocer, blossomed to hugeness, went public and was purchased by The Fayed Brothers (Egyptian) in 1984 (£615 million) and sold to the current owner, Qatar Holdings in 2010 (£1.5 billion).  No wonder the Harrods motto is Omnia Omnibus Ubique – All Things for All People, Everywhere.  This giant occupies 5 acres and has over a million square feet of selling space.

Quick bar bet winner:  On average, who purchases the most from Harrods??? The average spent by a Chinese shopper is three times greater than that spent by shoppers of any other nationality.

Without getting too political, my wife, a school teacher, bought a beautiful top coat here in the early 1980s, but that was when the dollar was king, making Harrods prices reasonable.

Back to tea.  £5 for a pot of your choice.  We ordered a green, a black, and a white, although one pot would have easily served the three of us.  Plus crumpets. 

With loose tea (far more flavorful) one needs a strainer.

A true English crumpet

Anyway, what are crumpets?  In the former North American colonies, we call them English muffins. The ones in Harrods however are not laced with enough preservatives to compete with Egyptian mummies.  Nope.  These are fresh off the grill, with a dark brown, toasty bottom, and lots of little bubbly dimples on top.  Succulently chewy. Of course, they come accompanied with churnery butter and tiny jars of jam.

How was the tea?  The white had the best nose, with floral accents enough to make you escape with your true love to the garden and propose on bended knee.  The green offered milder flavor, but with a certain serenity on the tongue.  The black, an Assam, had almost no nose, but the full and intriguing flavor ruled the day.

The bill came to something in the neighborhood of £20-25.  Can’t remember exactly.  Too busy considering how I could unsay all those things I said in the garden.

Harrods.  A shopping experience like no other in the world, in the largest and most complete store in the world.  Where money disappears like a spring snowfall.  But, where in the quite solace of a corner of The Tea Room, you can become one with the nobility.  And, yes, no doubt I will be back.